Addiction. I was just on Josh Froelich’s podcast “Addicted,” and the premise of his show made me do some self-reflecting. Josh is both a phenomenal athlete (world IPSC shotgun champion and former professional MMA fighter), and a recovered addict. His premise is that his addictive nature contributes to his success as an athlete and in life. To some degree a podcast about shooting, it is more a podcast about performance. In all aspects of life.

I have never thought of myself as an addict. How could I be? I have been an athlete, a soldier and a policeman for my entire adult life. And I was wrong. I am addicted.

For over forty years I have been addicted just as Josh describes it in his podcast intro. Addicted to the training process, the grind, the sweat and effort of getting better. Addicted to the challenge of proving myself.

And for over thirty of those years I have been addicted to two far more powerful drugs. Conflict and risk. I’ve been in gunfights. I have jumped from airplanes and driven under nightvision. I have fastroped and parachuted from helicopters and ridden on their skids. I’ve hunted HVTs in Afghanistan and been IED’d in Iraq, I’ve been in countless police raids and UC operations, footchases and vehicle pursuits.

I’m retired now. I still have the grind. I still have the process. I still train every day, albeit with different priorities. I am finding new skills to learn, new ways to prove myself, new outlets for that competitive drive. And I’m enjoying that process.

But I will most likely never go into harm’s way again. And that’s ok. At least rationally. But the addict in me will always yearn for the conflict, will always hunger for the risk. So it’s up to me, like any other addict who’s no longer using their drug of choice, to find something positive to satisfy that need.

And that’s ok too. Because that striving, that dedication to self-improvement, the grind, is not just the process. It itself is the goal. The secret of a fulfilling life is that the journey itself is in truth the only destination worth reaching. And the sweat and effort of that journey is very addicting indeed. I’m an addict after all. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.